When you start doubting yourself, remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome. – Unknown
When I first started this reconstruction journey, I was hesitant to try medication for a couple of reasons. First, I wasn’t 100% convinced I had a problem at that point. Second, I had not heard positive things about the VA and medications. I had dived into the deep end of the veteran community online, and many people had nothing but negative things to say about the VA and how they medicate veterans. Despite all that, my primary care doctor gained enough of my trust to convince me to try medication: one to help during the day, one to help during the night. They helped, and I am not entirely sure that I would have or could have made it through CPT if I had not been on medication.
But anyway…
It’s been a little over three weeks since I stopped all my prescribed medications from the VA. Three weeks is roughly the time it takes for all that medicine to completely leave your system. I wasn’t exactly sure how I would do, how I would feel, or even if it was a good idea. Frankly, the combination of medications the VA had put me on worked. Well, they worked 95% of the time, and I am grateful that they did work that much. But about a month ago, somewhat impulsively, I reached a point where I no longer wanted to be on meds. I needed to know who I was without them, and I wanted to know. I was going to find out with or without the support of the folks at the VA.
They decided to agree with me, which made the long, drawn-out argument I had planned in my head useless. I had come up with all kinds of reasons why I should be off the meds, and they were all deflated with the words, “Oh, I was just going to bring that possibility up to you.” With that, I was done with meds, and I intend on staying done with meds. I have not noticed any adverse effects or behaviors since stopping the medicine. Nor has anyone mentioned to me that they have noticed any change in my behavior or attitude. So far, I believe I can say that Operation No More Meds is a success, but only time will tell.
Somewhere, years ago at this point, I lost who I was. I realize that I have changed through the experiences I have had, which contributed to losing sight of who I was. It is time to start figuring out who I am. I am honestly not entirely sure where to start. In addition to the changes in me over the last year, changes in my life have left me with a blank canvas to start on.
The question I am asking myself is, what do I want to paint?
