A little more than a week ago, an ambulance backed into my car, causing the airbags to deploy. I had my kids in the car, and while the damage wasn’t severe, the airbag deployment led to the car being totaled. Before I get to the positive aspects, there is some unexpected negative fallout.
My oldest twin boy was in the back seat, thankfully on the opposite side of the damage and airbag deployment. I left him and his brother in the car, thinking it was safer given the location, while I got out to attend to things. I was just out of the car long enough to get around to the back when I looked forward and saw John screaming and crying. He thought the car was on fire and that I had left him inside. My car wasn’t on fire, but the smoky air venting from the airbags made it seem like it was. My heart broke seeing the look on his face, and I got him out of the car extremely quickly. I’m pretty sure I hugged the fear out of him because after a few minutes, he was back to his normal self and preoccupied with everything going on.
Why do I mention all this? Aside from my broken heart from what I perceive as a poor decision, my brain has chosen to make some unintended connections between this event and a previous event in my life. It is a connection that I really do not like. Over time, I have had certain repetitive dreams about the events surrounding my PTSD. They became so routine that when I started taking medication to help prevent them, I actually came to miss those dreams. For the most part, between the medication and the changes in my life and how I deal with things, I only seem to have nightmares when I am dealing with an increased amount of stress. Stress as a whole seems to cause my symptoms to surface. One of these dreams has come back over the last week or so, and while the events of the dream are mostly the same as before, the cast of characters has changed. It gained a passenger, and now, in addition to seeing three other lives end, a fourth life perished in a cloud of smoke. It is very unpleasant and unnerving to see your child die, and I hope it is an event I never have to live through in real life. As unpleasant as these dreams have been, they need to stay as dreams because I honestly do not think I would be able to handle it if it were reality.
Despite how uncomfortable the dreams are, I am fascinated by the manner in which the human mind works. I have read a tremendous amount of material on how the human brain is affected by trauma and tragedy. The one part I cannot get a handle on is my triggers. I know some of mine. I think I have them under control, then my brain makes some cockeyed connection between completely unrelated events. It makes what I have learned seem irrelevant and useless. Having addressed that, there are some positives that came out of this situation. I have found that relinquishing some things from my life makes it easier to move on. Some things just came with memories I really do not want to be reminded of daily. My black Jetta had both good and bad memories, and I wanted none of either, to be honest. I was not, nor was I in, a place to get rid of that car. It was almost paid off, and good memories or bad, I was going to drive that car until I no longer had an option. Then an ambulance driver who didn’t know how to back up out of a parking spot intervened.
Now, thanks to that ambulance driver, some airbags, and my insurance company, I have a new truck. It’s a little smaller than my old Chevy Silverado, but I am very happy with my new GMC Sierra. My boys love it. I look forward to creating many new memories with them and that truck.
