I’ve recently come across many articles and blogs about personality types, including how to care for them. Some offer useful information, while others belong in the funny pages. I’ve known for a long time that I have an introverted personality, but I recently decided to explore possible connections between introversion and susceptibility to PTSD. While I haven’t found any clear connections, I’ve realized that many of my coping mechanisms are amplified traits of an introvert.
My introverted personality sometimes worsens my PTSD, especially on days when I prefer to be alone, but the best thing for me is not to be alone. This presents a significant challenge to my daily life. Some days, my mind races at a hundred miles an hour while the rest of the world goes fifty. This also affects me, as I need time to process things—another trait of introverts. Demanding an immediate answer from me usually doesn’t work. My brain never seems to shut off, so with many unpleasant thoughts in my head, I sometimes wonder how I pay attention to others.
On a different note, I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had sought help earlier. Although being diagnosed after seven years is quick compared to some, it still feels like a long time. I also wonder what would have happened had I not been diagnosed when I was. Could I have muddled through with just a happy thought? My life with PTSD is the toughest, weirdest, and most gratifying experience I’ve ever had. Gratifying is a strange word to use with PTSD, but I’ve learned what I can handle in life, which is gratifying.
I’ve discussed with my therapists at the VA how I might have reacted if I had sought help sooner. I believe I might have driven myself further from reality. I used to think my ex-wife saved my life by convincing me to seek help. However, as I reflect more, I realize she acted out of self-interest and used my diagnosis as a reason for our marriage’s failure. In truth, I saved my own life. The quick response from my primary care doctor at the VA, along with the skilled and caring counselors, turned my life around. My family, despite not fully understanding my situation, helped me save my life. Most importantly, my twin boys’ love keeps me going.
For the first time since my divorce, my ex-wife, children, and I attended a hockey game together. While it wasn’t a bad time, I didn’t enjoy myself. It wasn’t all my ex-wife’s doing; I still dislike large crowds. I was okay for a while, especially since many veterans attended the game for military appreciation night, which helped my anxiety. However, the kids behind us started kicking our seats, breaking my focus and raising my anxiety to an uncomfortable level. Overall, the outing wasn’t a failure, but I wish I had declined the invitation. Spending time at the house to get it ready for sale isn’t good for my boys right now. I’m also annoyed that I did most of the work moving us into the house and will likely do most of the work moving us out. Selling the house is our last remaining issue, and my ex-wife doesn’t make it easy.
On a lighter note, I recently saw my primary care doctor for the first time since she got me into therapy at the VA. Other than discussing my health and chubbiness, she asked if I had started dating yet. While I’m not ready, I couldn’t help but think about asking her out. She’s cute and around my age. My CPT doctor was also cute, but I wouldn’t date someone moving back to Texas who looks like someone I used to work with. Maybe I can ask for a new doctor and then ask her out. Is that allowed, Shannon?
What’s next for me? I want to buy a house, but I need to sell the current one first. I need winter to end so I can return to work at the boatyard, which I miss. Sitting in a house I own, packing up my few remaining things, I know tomorrow my divorce will be final. I should be feeling some emotion, but I’m not. I’m just going through the motions. The only thing I feel is anger, but I’m trying not to focus on it.
I’ve been quiet for almost a month due to the holidays and my divorce, raising my stress levels and triggering PTSD symptoms. Although mitigated by skills I learned in CPT, they haven’t gone away. Recently, I’ve had new nightmares, leading to sleepless nights and crankiness. I discussed this with my CPT follow-up, worried my efforts in CPT were wasted. Thankfully, I was told it’s normal. I will survive this and strike out on my own.
I’ve dealt with PTSD for so long that some symptoms feel dormant, leaving me feeling off. I don’t feel like myself, and even though I know PTSD is not me, something feels wrong without the constant sense of impending doom. Low-key symptoms mean I’m getting better, but it feels foreign. Navigating the world without being constantly on guard is strange. While I still have moments of anxiety, it’s getting easier.
These challenges have been part of me for over seven years. Only recently have I started to feel better. Even after finishing CPT, I didn’t feel okay. Some days, I feel fine, which confuses me. Not feeling anger, sadness, or frustration is foreign. I suppose it’s something I’ll have to get used to.
